Today we are going to the funeral home to make arrangements for Lily's service.
Enough said...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
...
I don't know what to do from day to day. I spent 9 months planning for Lily and plannig on being busy taking care of her, but now I just sit around. I'm too scared to go outside. There are infants wherever I look. I'm so happy for all those moms who had babies that survived and are now thriving, but how am I any different. Why is it that my baby didn't have a chance to live her life? I dread eachday because there is a loss I can't control. Today I watched the travel channel all day. Colin and I just held eachother.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
I'm new to blogging...
I'm very new to this blogging thing. If there are any settings for privacy reasons I should use, please give me a heads up.
Lily's story
Lily Raine’s Story:
On February 28, 2009 our perfect baby girl was born. She was 5 lbs 13 oz and 19 in long. She looked perfect on the outside, but she was born sleeping.
Lily was mine and my boyfriend’s first child. She was definitely an “oops a baby”, but when we found out we were expecting, we realized that is exactly what we wanted. She was what was missing. My pregnancy was perfect. I didn’t even have morning sickness. Everything was on track. She was a feisty little girl. She kept me up so many nights. We got the health insurance we needed and we found a doctor we really liked. Every appointment the doctor said everything was fine. We actually had 3 ultrasounds all together. The first one was the normal 20 week one, the second was issued because the doctor noticed she was a little small, but she acted like it was nothing. When that ultrasound came back she said everything looked normal. Lily’s life support was good and she seemed to be growing and thriving just fine.
My third ultrasound was near the very end, I was about 39 weeks+ a day or two when we had the third one. We were issued this one because by this point Lily was still small and she wanted to make sure everything was going alright. At this ultrasound a paranatologist (if that’s how you spell it) came in to look at our beautiful baby girl. He concluded that she was indeed small, but looked healthy and had a very strong and steady heartbeat. He wasn’t concerned. This was on Tuesday. He decided that she wasn’t going to get any bigger in utero, so we scheduled that I would be induced on the following Sunday, March 1st. After the appointment we continued to live our lives. I spent the rest of the week preparing for her arrival. Materially, we were ready to go. Thursday night I was trying to keep track of Lily’s movements. I noticed that night she wasn’t moving really. I just figured she ran out of room and she could no longer make any really crazy movements. Friday night after dinner I was growing increasingly concerned because she wasn’t moving and I had just eaten. She always used to move after I had eaten a meal. My boyfriend and I went to the hospital that night just to make sure everything was going ok.
When the nurse came in to try to find a heartbeat, she couldn’t find one. She kept saying stuff like “sometimes they are just hard to find,” but I knew something was wrong. Eventually they brought the ultra sound machine in to look at her. The OB on call came in and confirmed Lily no longer had a heartbeat. I ask myself everyday if we had just gotten her out on Tuesday if she would still be here; The “what if” game is a dangerous game to play.
I no longer feel like a complete person.
On February 28, 2009 our perfect baby girl was born. She was 5 lbs 13 oz and 19 in long. She looked perfect on the outside, but she was born sleeping.
Lily was mine and my boyfriend’s first child. She was definitely an “oops a baby”, but when we found out we were expecting, we realized that is exactly what we wanted. She was what was missing. My pregnancy was perfect. I didn’t even have morning sickness. Everything was on track. She was a feisty little girl. She kept me up so many nights. We got the health insurance we needed and we found a doctor we really liked. Every appointment the doctor said everything was fine. We actually had 3 ultrasounds all together. The first one was the normal 20 week one, the second was issued because the doctor noticed she was a little small, but she acted like it was nothing. When that ultrasound came back she said everything looked normal. Lily’s life support was good and she seemed to be growing and thriving just fine.
My third ultrasound was near the very end, I was about 39 weeks+ a day or two when we had the third one. We were issued this one because by this point Lily was still small and she wanted to make sure everything was going alright. At this ultrasound a paranatologist (if that’s how you spell it) came in to look at our beautiful baby girl. He concluded that she was indeed small, but looked healthy and had a very strong and steady heartbeat. He wasn’t concerned. This was on Tuesday. He decided that she wasn’t going to get any bigger in utero, so we scheduled that I would be induced on the following Sunday, March 1st. After the appointment we continued to live our lives. I spent the rest of the week preparing for her arrival. Materially, we were ready to go. Thursday night I was trying to keep track of Lily’s movements. I noticed that night she wasn’t moving really. I just figured she ran out of room and she could no longer make any really crazy movements. Friday night after dinner I was growing increasingly concerned because she wasn’t moving and I had just eaten. She always used to move after I had eaten a meal. My boyfriend and I went to the hospital that night just to make sure everything was going ok.
When the nurse came in to try to find a heartbeat, she couldn’t find one. She kept saying stuff like “sometimes they are just hard to find,” but I knew something was wrong. Eventually they brought the ultra sound machine in to look at her. The OB on call came in and confirmed Lily no longer had a heartbeat. I ask myself everyday if we had just gotten her out on Tuesday if she would still be here; The “what if” game is a dangerous game to play.
I no longer feel like a complete person.
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